What do our bodies do with all that we don't say?

What do our bodies do with all that we don't say?

Mine has taken an interesting detour into A World where the genetics and my story support a very sad thesis.

I recently went to the dentist for MY twice a year cleaning the dental assistant, a lovely Italian American woman who chats up throughout the cleaning and has a delicate touch commented on my “torus palatini”.

You can look it up. It's a bony growth that I have in the center of my palate. It causes me no symptoms or problems. Maybe if I have to get dentures it will become a problem into the future, but not now. I have, however, wondered about it after her comment, so I decided to go and do the research.

WHY DO I HAVE THIS? It’s been a part of my mouth, since I was a little girl…

I researched and found out there is a genetic component to it.

“Between 20% and 30% of the general population has palatal tori. The condition is more common in females. It’s also more prevalent among certain ethnic groups, including East Asians, Europeans and West Africans.

(Aha! I thought, maybe we are on to something here, just like the gap between my front teeth that’s got a fancy scientific name now. “A diastema”)

“Mouth anatomy. Tooth crowding, jaw shape and the way your teeth fit together may contribute to the presence of palatal tori.

• Teeth grinding (bruxism). People who clench or grind their teeth might be more likely to develop palatal tori.

• Bone mineral density. Higher bone density or changes in your bone density may increase the likelihood of developing palatal tori.

• Age. Most people with palatal tori are over the age of 30.

• (there's that weird exception to the rule thing again I noted; I have had mine since I was a little girl)

• Genetics. Research indicates that you’re more likely to develop palatal tori if your biological parents, grandparents or siblings have the condition.”

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24829-torus-palatinus#symptoms-and-causes

I kept researching; I found out it's unusual in children:

“ It is uncommon in children, but it can be found at any age. It is believed to result from the interaction of environmental and genetic variables and typically first manifests in young adults under the age of thirty. When researching Tori, the age may also be an intriguing fact to take into account.”

https://my.klarity.health/torus-palatinus-in-children-unique-considerations/

“An intriguing fact to take into account” 

Is that enough to explain why I had this as a child?

“Some research indicated that genetic predisposition typically plays a part in this situation. However, prior research has shown that many environmental elements that lead to torus palatinus pathology are typically responsible for oral exostoses. Additionally, some research suggests that hyperactivity and masticatory parafunction may be important risk factors for these illnesses.”

Translating that “medical-ease” into English, that means that tension in my mouth has been an issue my whole life: I have been a tooth grinder that has lost several molars over the years as I fractured my teeth.

It is putting all of these factoids together with a very early memory that brings something ugly into the picture.

I remember going to the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus with my daddy. I had to be a little over four this from where we were living and the fact that my two year younger brother did not go with us)... my daddy bought me a bird on a stick as a souvenir; a bird that flew round and round the top of the wooden stick on a string… somehow I had the top of the toy in my mouth and was going down stairs in our north east Washington DC home to the basement…then, I am falling down the stairs… I have punctured the top of my mouth (the palate) with the stick from the toy… I am crying… I am sitting in my mother's lap, and she is frantically taking scoops of Vaseline and applying them to the roof of my mouth, which is bleeding profusely…

What makes this story of a childhood injury bizarre are two small details:

– to this day, I remember a “frenetic energy” to my mother's home treatment, and

– we lived directly across the street from our family doctor, but there was never a visit to the doctor for this injury.

A part of me wonders to this day, “ did my mother push me down the stairs?”

What I have concluded by revisiting this particular trauma, is that–while that question will remain a mystery forever, I DEFINITELY FELT AS IF MY MOTHER HAD PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS. 

And as an adult, I no longer believe the facts matter that much. It is the feelings and the reaction to those feelings that counts.

I became a child who carried a huge amount of tension in my mouth.

Three years later, I was sexually abused in a way that involved me trying to hold my mouth closed against an adult man pushing his tongue past my clenched teeth.

The end result, from that triad of problems: genetic predisposition from my West African genes / a physically traumatic incident/ an emotionally and physically abusive episode in my life, is my funny bump in the roof of my mouth. 

Oh– and one more thing… that funny bump has made it uncomfortable and unpleasant for me to give head to people with penises (I remind you I am a bisexual, polyamorous human).

Sometimes, as Bessel van de Kolk (https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score) says, your body not only keeps the score but offers you some ongoing protection unconsciously!